


How Long 'Til We Call This Love?

by Mouthbreather (scalding_coolness)



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Badass, Bullying, Character Development, Child Abuse, El - Freeform, Emotional Trauma, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gen, Hate Speech, Hate to Love, Heart and Hard Eyes, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mainly Elmax and Byler, Mentions of PTSD, Mild Blood, Mild Gore, Mild Language, Mild Strong Language, Minor Injuries, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, No Smut, Post Possession, Post Season 2, S L O W B U R N, Strong Female Characters, Triggers, Will is as soft as ever, and Max
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-03-06 06:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13405614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scalding_coolness/pseuds/Mouthbreather
Summary: She had never offered her heart up for the slashing, ever, but Eleven had somehow stolen it and split it in half before she could even realise what the unusual adoration she felt for the other girl even meant.The 'butterflies in the stomach', the 'jittering electricity', the 'it takes my breath away', the 'I don't see anyone else, but you' was real,but the'it'd never happen'was somehow more real.Because Jane Hopper hated her,profoundly.Elmax endgame with mild Byler.





	1. i. a bridge too far

**Author's Note:**

> If you see any typos, feel free to point them out! I preview all my works as best as I can, but I'm only human and not going to go Christina Perri on y'all right now. 
> 
> I'd love to know your thoughts on this!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It sucked and she was screwed, but then what did not and when was she not?

 

Jane Hopper was either philanthropical or completely unforgiving. Or that's how Max saw it as, anyway.

The boys almost always mentioned her in most of their conversations, be it a retelling of past events or just something humorous or impressive Jane had done and yet she still didn't know the other girl very well because hearing it from others was one thing and being there when it all happened was another. Much like how she never really knew if her hair was a mess, even when someone described it for her until and unless she saw it for herself.

She knew where and how Jane had grown up. She knew why her name was a number for crying out loud. She knew the girl has a buzz cut when she had first met the boys. She knew Mike had hid Eleven in his basement. She knew about what the other girl was exactly capable of and the asshole, Brenner. She knew Eleven only let the people she was close to call her El. She had also come to know she was not one of those people. (For her, it was Jane.)  
She knew all this and so much more, but it somehow amounted to nothing because Jane hadn't spared her a second glance and the first glance hadn't even been a glance because she knew a glare when she saw one.

She reckoned Mike was the one who knew Eleven the most. He had never said so and neither had Eleven, but Max noticed how they both most of the time didn't need words to communicate, their eyes did the talking, how Mike's smile was contagious for Jane and vice versa. It wasn't the same with the other party members, but that wasn't a bad thing because Mike was sort of like El's best friend, she could tell. Maybe he was something even more, that she couldn't really figure out, but Dustin always found ways to cheer El up and Lucas was always acting like a protective big brother and Will, soft sweet Will, shared the same love for silence that El had. She had seen them basking in it, just appreciating the peace and the absence of noise. They all had their own soft spots in the curly haired girl's heart, well everyone except her, she reckoned.

After meeting Jane or more like trying to meet Jane, she had tried to befriend the brunette time and time again, against her better judgement because almost a year had gone boy and she was still waiting for something to 'click' between the two of them, for better or for worse; she didn't even know, she would take either by that point. However, she wasn't really the one to be blamed because her judgement and rationality somehow always tended to get hazy when it came to Jane. She wasn't really sure what she had ever done to make the brunette hate her so much, but after a while she sort of let it go and let things be. What else could be done? Maybe she was just one of those people to Jane that the girl couldn't help, but dislike for no reason whatsoever. The thought was depressing, but she had racked her brain for other possible reasons and come up with none. 

After giving her a glare and a very cold shoulder, Jane had never again acknowledged her presence at all. She wished she could do the same, look through the brunette as though she was glass; transparent and blank.

And it wasn't that she was a coward or afraid of what Jane would do or say if she tried harder. It was just that she wasn't a fan of humiliation or embarrassment and those were the two things the other girl made her feel a lot (aside from nervousness that shouldn't last so frigging long and adoration she hadn't ever felt for a person before).

She had days where even the thought of brunette was enough to get her blood boiling and sometimes it was comforting to just drown herself in that abyss of dislike, it gave her a twisted sense of power over her own emotions because she could look Jane in the eyes those days without her throat going dry and then, there were the other days Jane was the reason she slept a little later than usual and ran late to school the next day.

She loved everything that had to do with Eleven because goddammit, it was Eleven, but she hated it too because of how much it all mattered to her while she didn't even amount to a speck of dust to the other girl.

It was unfair and that made her madder.

She had tried to kill the feelings that spurred within her chest and stomach; all over whenever she saw the other girl with her soft tuft of curly brown hair and the way her eyes to shined considerably brighter when she was happy and how they softened when she was with the boys or Hopper or Joyce or just anyone that she cared for really, her pale skin that hadn't seen a lot of sun, her dimples.. her smile. 

Goddamn her smile because Max found it so uplifting and refreshing  and rare. Not a lot of people had smiles like that; the one's that author's wrote about in books, the ones that could literally light up rooms, but Jane did. Of course, she did. Jane wasn't other people.

And goddarn the girl because she was falling and sinking deeper everyday. She was in love (had been since that first time she saw the brunette) with someone who didn't want to do anything with her, someone who had quite obviously hated her since first sight, someone who broke her heart a little more every day, someone who ignored her so brazenly she sometimes started doubting her own existence and because of that all, Eleven being a girl was the least of her worries.

Why worry when nothing was ever going to happen, right? At least that was a burden she didn't need to carry.

She had never offered her heart up for the slashing, ever, but Eleven had somehow stolen it and split it in half before she could even realise what the unusual adoration she felt for the other girl even meant.

It was just so frigging unfair. 

The 'butterflies in the stomach', the 'jittering electricity', the 'it takes my breath away', the 'I don't see anyone else, but you' was real, but the 'it would never happen' was somehow more real.

And it was just her luck, she was a victim to the painful kind of love.  
It sucked and she was screwed, but then what did not and when was she not?

...

"Watch the attitude, shitbird!" Billy shouted, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and his eyes familiarly hard.

She flipped him off as soon as she was out of the car.

Good for nothing asshole.

Her gaze flitted over the parking lot, seeing Will getting out of Jonathan's car which made her slightly less annoyed the world as she opted to wait by the Arcade's entrance. He noticed her a moment later as Billy's car sped away and his face broke into a smile as he walked over.

"Hey, Max." He murmured as he got within her earshot.

"Hi. You ready to lose another high score?" She smirked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"You have all the high scores, Max." He gave her a very unamused look before stopping beside her and looking off into the small lot.

"Guess I'll just set the bars higher then." She chuckled with a sigh of relief when three familiar bicycles turned the corner.

"Mind being a little less slow?!" She yelled when Dustin hopped off his bike, waiting for the other two to finish talking.

Mike rolled his eyes, pointedly at her, before hopping off as Dustin waved at her and Will. Lucas, however, grinned devilishly and started walking even more slowly.

She threw her hands up in the air, somehow not even finding his antics surprising. 

"I'm going in." She muttered, giving Will a nudge before entering the Arcade.

Warm air hit her as soon as she burst in through the doors, making her sigh in relief. She didn't think she would ever get used to the cold air of Hawkins and she didn't want to, either. Getting used to it would mean not finding it whipping through her waves nice and she wasn't really in the mood to look for something different and new.

The Arcade wasn't exactly bustling, most likely because it was a weekday. She preferred it that way. They wouldn't have to wait for the machines to be free.

"All right, so, what's your count?" Mike asked, coming to a stop beside and getting straight to business as always.

She fished said coins out of her pocket, dropping them into his waiting palm. "6 quarters."

"A total of-" he paused, counting off on his fingers before summing up- "20 quarters, sweet."

A gust of cold air hit her as the Arcade doors behind them opened and she saw someone who had the ability to either make her day or ruin it thoroughly.

Jane.

"This isn't a coincidence, is it?" she asked Dustin who was standing beside her.

"Nah. You think Hopper would just let her roam around like that?" He shot back back rhetorically.

She turned her gaze back to the girl who had noticed them all and was making her way towards them.

"You should get a radio, Max," Lucas suggested from beside Dustin.

"I should." She mumbled with a shuffle, hoping she already had one. At least then she would have had enough time to ready herself to spend a day within the other girls vicinity without acting like a complete wastoid. 

She was still busy gazing at the object of her affections as said girl bounded over to Mike first of all and hugged him.

And then Will who stood beside Mike and then Lucas followed by Dustin.

Her eyes widened when Jane's arms, out of habit, almost went around her too before the girl paused and jerked back.

She scratched the back of her head, glancing down at her shoes before looking back up and offering the girl a polite smile that she couldn't keep up for longer than a few seconds.

Eleven eyes met hers for the smallest of seconds, barely before the brunette looked away and went to stand besides Mike and Will.

Nothing new, but it would never get old.

"Come on, Dig Dug's free!" Dustin suddenly announced before sprinting towards the machine.

"She'll come around." Lucas draped an arm over her shoulder, giving it a rub as they all walked to the machines.

She cleared her throat with a nod. "Yeah."

But neither of them knew when.

...

She didn't know Eleven hadn't been to the Arcade before, mostly because she tended to keep her distance. The amount of time she had spent around the other could be counted off on on hand and yet, the way the other girl looked around nervously every two minutes gave it away.

She stepped away from the machine as Mike took his turn at Pacman, looking around for the others.  
Dustin and Lucas were easy to spot, boisterously playing Dragon's Lair's. With the way the two were bickering back and forth, she could tell they trying to beat each other's scores.

She smirked at that. Lucas had lost his score a while after she had moved to Hawkins and things had calmed down and Princess Daphne was hers, she was going to make sure it stayed that way. She tore her eyes away from the two boy and instead searched for the only other girl in the party, noticing her standing by Dig Dug, staring at the blank screen with a quarter in her hand.

She knew she shouldn't, but as she looked at Jane again who still stood biting her lip and frowning at the black screen of the machine as she tucked in a short strand of curly hair behind her ear, how could she not?

"Uh, here." She mumbled, coming to stand beside girl before she put in a quarter.

The game beeped to life as the screen lit up and Jane's eyes widened considerably, rapidly scanning all the bright colours.

She paused, not being able to look away from the brunette. Her face was bathed in colours emitting from the screen, a mix of green blue and red hues making her stand apart. She didn't know if Jane knew just how beautiful she was and her heart thrummed with the desire to tell the other girl that. She couldn't help, but swoon over the innocence dripping from Jane's eyes, wide and so full of fascination, all over nothing, but a mere videogame.

If only Jane would stop hating her.. The thought sobered her out of the stupor she'd fallen in, making her clear her throat to gain the brunettes attention.

The girl glanced at her at the sound with her eyebrows scrunched up. She would've found that so dainty had the girl's eyes not felt like laser beams on her skin, burning. With a clearing of throat, she pointed to the controls before voicing the words. "Do you know the controls?"

Jane glanced at her, but didn't answer and so she continued, anyway.

"Okay, well. This is the joystick. You uh move your... character with it. And this button–" she started, but he brunette was already pushing her away as she took ahold of the stick, pressing the red colored button beside the machine to start the game.

"Right." She murmured, backing away to give the girl some space and doing her best to ignore the discomfort building up in her stomach. 

What in the world had she done to this girl?

She clenched her jaw, stopping that thought before it could grow roots into her mind, before she could zone out uselessly again, thinking over something that didn't matter; she had already wasted entirely too much time pondering over the wonder that the other girl was.

For a beginner, Jane wasn't a bad player at all, definitely better than her when she had first started playing. The girl was pretty good at avoiding the traps and the small monsters and she felt a nervous excitement rush through her when she saw two monsters in the maze gaining in on Jane's character. That was exactly what she loved about video games and skateboarding, the rush, it was amazing.  
She looked on, on the edge of her toes when the girl's hands paused on the controllers and her shoulders visibly sagged. Her eyes flitted up to gauge Jane's reaction, only to see the girl worrying her lip between her teeth. The sight made her feel weirder than she usually did around the girl and she tore her gaze away, glancing at the screen instead.

"Press the button, quick!" She yelled without thinking when she saw just how close the character was to getting captured.

Jane suddenly jumped at the sound of her voice and looked at her with her lips pursed and a frown. The character got eaten by the monster in the meantime and she saw the other girl's jaw clench at the realisation.

Shit.

Her hands fiddled on their own before she cleared her throat, rubbing at her neck and then stopping all together. "T-the button's for jumping. I was just trying to help."  
Her words did not do anything to make the situation better or smoothen Jane's frown. And to make it worse, she was explaining shit when she wasn't asked to. That was not her at all.

Sometimes, she felt like if she saw herself through someone else's eyes like this, she wouldn't recognise herself. And that was another thought she didn't want to mull over.

The other girl turned to her the whole way and gave her the glare she knew so well.

Strike two.

"I swear." She added and she would've slapped herself right then and there had it not made her look completely mental.

The other girl's glare didn't soften, instead her lips parted and then the girl spoke. "Stay away."

She opened her mouth, to say something, something that never made it past her lips because the brunette was speaking to her for the first time in.. oh god was it really the first time in almost a whole year?

"You don't under–" She started, stopping short when the other girl bumped into her shoulder and walked off towards the boys, unaware of what had just transpired.

"... stand." She sighed out, rubbing at her eyes and slouching against the machine.  
Something told her she had only managed to make matters worse.

She scratched her the back of her neck before putting in a quarter, cracking her knuckles and spending the rest of her quarters on the game; taking her frustration out on the poor machine.

...

She was standing beside Dig Dug, fiddling with the zipper of her hoodie. She had run out of quarters a few minutes ago, but the others were still busy playing. Mike was standing with Jane at Dragon's Lair. She could faintly hear him explaining her the controls as the brunette in turn, nodded fervently. The sight made her stomach churn with jealousy. 

Had she not been doing the same? 

She saw Jane grin after Mike murmured something in her ear, they both looked as though they were in a world of their own, making her tear her eyes away from the sight despite how pretty Jane looked when she smiled. The more she would look, the worse she would feel. 

Instead, she tried to distract herself and looked around for the others. Dustin was now engrossed in Pacman (no surprise) with an ear splitting grin on his face as Lucas looked on sourly. She had a feeling the darker skinned boy had lost his high score and shook her head with a small smile. Her eyebrows furrowed when she didn't find Will anywhere near the machines.

"89, 980 points?!" His voice exclaimed from behind her.

"What?" She turned around, relived to see he hadn't gone off somewhere like.. before.

"Your score! I thought you'd been joking!" His face looked quite flabbergasted.

Her eyes widened when she caught on what he was referring to and whirled back to look at the machine.

Wow.

"Oh." She breathed out before turning to him with a lazy side smile playing on her lips. "I keep my word, I guess."

"You sound so enthusiastic, Max." His voice dripped with sarcasm.

She chuckled at that. She was wearing off on the sweet boy.

"I know, right?" She drawled before her smile dissolved into a straight line.

Will paused for a second and she felt his eyes scan her face before all signs of playfulness evaporated from his features.

She looked away, hoping he wouldn't ask the question he hadn't voiced yet. 

"Is it Billy? Did he... do something again?" His sounded like he was walking on eggshells and she wondered if that was right.

She shook her head in answer and sighed when her eyes automatically flitted towards Mike and El with his gaze followed hers.

"I know how you feel." He leaned on the machine beside her.

"No, you don't. It's different. It's just.. different." She muttered with a clenched jaw before closing her eyes and sucking in a breath, trying to stop the warmth rushing to her face and erase the numbness in her stomach.

She knew he was just trying to help and she should be grateful for that. He was looking out for her, but if there was one thing she had in common with Billy, it was a burning flare setting off within her when someone showed even the small bit of pity. And so, she knew she was being a jerk, just like her stupid stepbrother.

"I– sorry, let's just.. go, yeah?" She put her foot on the back of her board, lifting the other side and picking it up.

Will didn't budge from beside her, though. His eyes were still looking on in Mike and Jane's general direction.

"After everything that.. happened, I hated talking about it, but when I opened up to Mom, it.. helped. I never thought it would, but it did. It helps Max." He murmured the last part softly.

She looked down at her dirty vans, pondering over his words. It wasn't that she 'hated' talking about it (hate was a strong word). She just didn't know how to. She wasn't used to talking about stuff. She had grown up in a house where she couldn't complain when something bothered her, no. That was out of the question. She was supposed to suck it up, bury it somewhere deep within herself and learn to live with it or in her stepbrother's case, take it out on other people.

She was the way she was because she didn't know how to be something- someone else.

"It's whatever, Will." She sighed out before walking away towards the other, maybe she could snag a coin or two from Lucas.

How would she ever put something as complicated as feelings into words, anyway?

 


	2. ii. everyone, but her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her eyes widened as they fell upon a familiar police cruiser turning around the corner of the lot before it parked in a spot near the entrance.
> 
> She knew who owned it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the wait was worth. Please review and let me know what you think!!!

She stood outside the school in the deserted parking lot. The drive to school was a good fifteen minutes journey and yet she had miscalculated how much time it would actually take if she skated there. She reckoned there wasn't much Billy was good for except driving her to school and distinctly remembered him leaving for some stupid highschool party the previous night when he was supposed to be 'babysitting' her and he hadn't returned.

He could be lying dead in Mirkwood for all she cared.

And now there she was, a whole hour earlier to school out of all places, scanning the parking lot every 60 seconds for any sign of the boys.

She felt like cursing herself out for being a complete knucklehead, but then mathematics wasn't really something she was good at and being outside in the parking lot alone gave her such a strong sense of déjà vu, as if she was her eight year old self again waiting for her alcoholic dad to pick her up while every other kid was long gone along with the staff.

She glanced at her watch with a sigh, not mulling over those miserable thoughts as she reluctantly sat down on her skateboard atop the school steps. If her legs didn't hurt so much from all the skating she had just done, she would have given whatnot for an opportunity like that with not many people around and the ground void of any gravel.

With restlessness, she slid her skateboard to and fro atop the step, hoping the time could go by faster, but clocks never ticked even a millisecond earlier or later no matter how much she had yearned for it to before and it was a deathly boring half hour later when the parking lot started filling up more, most of the kids milling around the outskirts and a few minutes later, she finally saw three familiar bikes making their way towards the bicycle racks.

She stood up then and waved the boys over as they hopped off of their bikes.

"Look who's here early! You, out of all people." Dustin mused.

She rolled her eyes at him, opening her mouth before closing it back again as a familiar car stopped a few feet away and honked.

Will got out of the car, waving his mother goodbye before walking towards them.

"Hey, guys." He greeted with a pleasant smile.

She returned it as they all murmured intangible hi and hellos in return.

"You're here before me." Will noted when he came to stand beside her.

She rolled her eyes once more as Dustin chuckled from beside the boy.

"She was here before any of us, actually–" Lucas grinned before adding– "hint, hint." 

Dustin apparently found the boy's words exceptionally amusing as he let out a boisterous guffaw that only managed to put her off.  
Will gave her an almost smirk then before shaking his head mischievously as if he knew something that she didn't.

She furrowed her brows, not understanding what that look meant, only to notice that Dustin and Lucas looked quite the same.

"Okay?" She let out, the confusion dripping from her voice. "If you're all done not making sense, can we haul ass now?" She asked, but none of the boys budged.

"Uh, guys?" She called out.

"Come on, Max. You came an hour earlier. Might as well wait a few more minutes, don't you think?" Mike mumbled before turning away as he scanned the parking lot.

"Wait for what, exactly?"

Will gave her another look similar to the one he had before and it confused her even more, if that was possible.

What was going on?

She almost went to ask, but stopped short at Dustin's excited yell. "There she is!"

She followed his gaze and her eyes widened as they fell upon a familiar police cruiser turning around the corner of the lot before it parked in a spot near the entrance.

She knew who owned it.

"No way." She mumbled, baffled.

Did that mean..?

"Yes way." Will retorted from beside her. She noticed the sudden giddiness his voice.

"Why the hell do I not know about this?" She should know. She should've known. This wasn't something that happened everyday.

"Wait, you mean you don't?" Will frowned as he glanced at her

"No?" She said unsurely.

"I thought Dustin told you." Lucas piped in and she noticed Eleven getting out of the cruiser as Hopper followed out of the corner of her eyes.

"I thought you were going to tell her Lucas!" Dustin retorted.

She threw her head back with annoyance as an audible sigh left her lips.

Now, that was routine.

"Guys! Stop bickering, we have to make her feel okay about this, remember?" Mike cut in, silencing the two boys.

As El made her way towards them Will broke the silence, whispering, "Get a dammed radio, Max."

She pursed her lips, not giving him an answer, even though she agreed greatly as she stepped away. El had a beaming smile etched to her lips as she walked towards all five of them with a bounce in her step. Her soft brown curls bobbed at her movement and even though, they both didn't know each other at all, she could sense the pale girl's nervous excitement.

The brunette stopped in front of Mike and the others before hugging the four boys, one by one with them returning it; just like every other time.   
She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her track jacket as she shuffled on her feet awkwardly. Jane ignoring her bothered her more than she let on, especially at times like this when she acknowledged everyone, everyone except her. And more than that, she hated not wanting to, but feeling so  left out, like an outsider looking in, knowing she was missing out on something. The girl's smiles were warm enough to make her stomach jostle, she couldn't imagine what a hug would feel like. She glanced towards her group of friends in between her brooding and coincidentally, so did Jane. Their eyes met, albeit a little awkwardly, but she couldn't muster up another wobbling smile in the girl's direction because the one that had been on Jane's lips a moment ago, disappeared at the sight of her. The brunette's eyes hardened and she looked away before Max could and it felt as though she had just lost a battle she didn't know she was fighting. And with another heavy sigh, she picked up her bag as Hopper came to stand before them before following the boys into the school.

She lagged behind the four a little uneasily as they all stopped before the reception. She could see Jane and Hopper through the glass door. The girl was standing beside Hopper as he did all the talking with her hands clasped together, looking every bit of graceful.

She hoped Jane joining the school would finally result in a friendship between then. There wasn't much more she hoped for and by the way things were as they were, even friendship was stretching it really far. She just hoped there was just something they could bond over, an assignment or lab or literature.

Or a miracle.

She tried to put herself in El's shoes. If she was a girl who'd grown up as a lab rat with no one there for her, why would she hate another girl of her age who wanted to be her friend? It couldn't be looks or her a nature. El was.. She was strong willed despite all those years of being locked away and protective of those that she loved with a family bounded not by blood, but love and just so.. beautiful and then there was her with red hair she didn't know how to braid, a broken home with just as bad of an attitude and the only girl in all of Hawkins with a skateboard.

Nothing about Jane was normal, but that only made her so much more special. The kind Brenner wouldn't ever understand the meaning of.

And they had that in common, the lack of normality, but hers didn't make her special, no.

She was _different_. She had known it the day her ten year old self had walked the first time in the girl's changing room, the first time she'd walked home from school at 8, alone; the first time her drunk step father had shouted at her and her mom had stayed quiet and the first time Billy had shouted at her loud enough to make ever single fibre in her jump.

She couldn't put herself in Jane's shoes.

A nudge drowned out her thoughts as she came back to her surroundings to see Lucas staring at her with raised eyebrows and she realised she'd just walked into him.

She chuckled dryly and shook her head as she stepped back to put some distance in between them. His eyes lingered on her before he looked away at the sound of Mike's voice.

"That's the AV room, you remember that El?" Mike questioned, pointing towards the door as they passed it.

Eleven frowned before apparent realisation dawned over her face. "Where I b-burnt the--"

"Oh, yeah! That was so awesome!" Dustin cut in, yelling excitedly the way he always did.

El jumped at the sudden boisterous interruption and Lucas hit Dustin on the head, mouthing, "Idiot."

"Wait, do I know about this?" Will asked, a quizzical look on his face  and she zoned out as the other three boys jumped without wasting another second into retelling what had happened.

She had heard the story enough times to know what the trio was going to say next.

As Will listened on with keen interest, she took advantage of the momentary distraction and her eyes, as though having a mind of their own, automatically fell on Jane. She knew staring was rude, but she was willing to be a little bit of that if she could keep staring at the brunette.  
She didn't want to look away as she admired the hint of a smile that played over Jane's lips. And even the hint of one looked so pretty. The brunette had shown up wearing a rose gold frock with her short curls let loose.  
She wasn't the one to care much about apparel, but Jane didn't _need_ to. The girl was effortlessly pretty and she wished she could tell Jane that, she wished she could tell Jane a lot of things. Make her smile and laugh. The one where her eyes always crinkled and she looked just so uncaring and free. An epitome of wonder and youth. An incarnation of innocence and purity.  _Lord, she loved this girl._ She sighed as she shook her head.

And to think Steve was whipped.

The brunette glanced at her then and she looked away before their eyes could meet.

Close call.

They reached the lockers soon enough and her train of thought came to a stop as she patiently waited beside Will and Lucas as Mike and Dustin showed El the mechanisms of opening and closing one.

"Oh! I almost forgot! El, can I see your schedule?" Mike asked as the curly haired girl shut her locker.

Her ears stood up at that and she moved closer towards the boys, putting her arm around the two boys' shoulders as Eleven opened up her bag.

She had been wanting to know which classes they all shared with the new comer and looked on closely as Mike took it from her, his eyes skimming through it before he grinned appreciatively.

"That's one great schedule." He commented.

She didn't know schedules could be great too. "Nerd." She whispered to herself.

"She shares every class with at least one of us there." He explained when he looked up and saw their questioning eyes.

Max debated mentally whether Hopper had pulled in some strings to make that happen before deciding there was no harm if he had.

"Right, so." Mike continued. "You have art with Will. Math with--. Dustin you've got Math in second hour?"

Max smirked as Lucas muttered under his breath. "That's going to be very helpful."

She saw Dustin nod with an ever present grin. "It's gonna be awesome El."

"History with me and Will." Mike continued, his voice taking on an exciting lilt.

"Geography with Lucas and--." He paused, glancing down at the paper once more. "Oh yeah, science with all of us. That's Mr. Clarke. You remember him?"

She pursed her lips at the realisation that she didn't share any classes with the brunette, not with only the two of them there. Was it better if it was that way? She saw Jane frown lightly and stopped pondering as the girl leaned over and whispered something in Mike's ear, making the taller boy chuckle as he nodded.

Nerds.

"She calls him the moustache man." He told them, still smiling. 

She looked away before she could gag at two, before her stomach could churn in the unusual way it did every time they were both together, before she could lose herself to thoughts of a love that wouldn't ever be returned.

Instead, she glanced at Will who, unlike her, was staring at Mike almost.. longingly. She elbowed him in the side to snap him out of it as he jumped with a hiss and turned to her, frowning.

At least, she wasn't alone in her misery. But then, this wasn't something she wished upon anyone. Except maybe Billy.

"Wait, there's English too." Mike frowned. "Uh... who has English today?"

She almost rolled her eyes, even though her heart stuttered in her chest with something akin to hope.

Literature. There was her chance. 

She cleared her throat and felt Jane's eyes on her as she spoke. "That would be me."

"All right. English with Max." Mike finished as he gave El a comforting smile. She heard his quiet "It'll be okay." And scoffed discreetly, trying not to let her annoyance show.

"Guys, we only have 15 minutes before the halls start to crowd up." Lucas informed then and Max wondered if they had planned something else that she wasn't aware of.

She was somehow used to being kept in the dark by now.

"Time to show you around, El," Dustin grinned excitedly before they all got to moving.

Of course.

..

She entered the almost empty classroom, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. It was odd being one of the first people to class. She wasn't used to being to one so early, but she pushed her discomfort away. She had once been the new girl too. She had to help, even if the two of them weren't friends. She had noticed how El had opted to sit in the middle row in Science, unlike her or the boys, and the middle row wasn't that bad.

Not too upfront and not to far off. She could see why the girl preferred it that way.

Maneuvering around a few girls chattering beside the front desks, she flopped into one in the middle row as dumped her bag onto the seat next to her.

Eleven didn't like her a lot, but she would surely prefer to sit next to her than with a complete stranger and she'd saved the girl a pretty good spot. Maybe she could even, by some miracle, strike up a conversation with the other girl.

She shook her head at that thought.  
Baby steps, immensely slow ones.

Her leg bounced up and down as she waited for the girl's arrival, profusely ignored how unlike her usual self she felt. Truth be told, she was slightly nervous to be around Jane without one of the boys around, but then when was she not nervous around El?

The said girl showed up a few minutes later and she saw Mike walking away through the open door as the brunette entered the classroom. She tried to meet the girl's eyes as El's roamed throughout the room before the brunette spotted her and eyed the seat beside her. She couldn't read the look on El's face and so picked her bag up in return, hoping the girl would get the message.

She didn't.

Instead, Eleven ignored her as she went back to looking around the room, making her frown when the girl went on to sit with a blonde somewhere near the front.

"Hey, you're the Chief's daughter, right? I'm Jennifer. You can call me Jen."

Jennifer  _Hayes_ , she realised. Jennifer Hayes over her and even though there was nothing between her and El, absolutely no trust or friendship or  _anything_ , she somehow felt betrayed. A flush of angered shame prickled at her chest and with a clenched jaw, she forced herself to look away as she heard the curly haired girl reply.

"Jane."

And yet, she saw the two shake hands out of the corner of her eyes and her face suddenly grew so hot as she clenched her fists without even realising.

_Everyone, but her._

With downcast eyes, she let her long waves hide her reddened face as she picked her bag back up and put it in the seat beside hers once more.

Maybe it was better if she just sat alone.

 

Hopper needed to learn how to pull in better strings if he had pulled any.

 

 

**•••**

 


	3. iii. made sure to keep my distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment, El's soft pink lips parted, the ones she was pointedly ignoring looking at, and it almost seemed like the girl was going to say something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the last chapter was a let down and couldn't find the motivation to write anything, but here's the next chapter. I tried my best. 
> 
> Also, I changed the title! Is it better than the last one? I wasn't sure about it and I think this one fits the fic more. What do you think??

"So."

"So, what?" She finished chewing, taking the time to swallow before asking.

"I didn't get the time to ask yesterday." Will started. "But, how was English?" She saw his suggestive grin before his lips even stretched into one.

His words reminded her of yesterday. Of another failed attempt at friendship. She didn't know why she even tried anymore and a pang of the same feeling as before ran through her, making her scoff without realising.

"What?" Will's brows rose up almost immediately at the sound. She didn't know why he had expected anything different to happen.

"She ignored me, but I don't see how that's news." She muttered, feeling annoyance start to brew within her once more. The thought of El tended to– no, the thought of El not wanting to do anything with her tended to. The thought of the girl herself brought a whole different kind of feelings she didn't think she was ready to feel for anyone, but she couldn't help it.  
She couldn't help it if she wanted to make El smile warmly the way she always did at the boys. She wanted to do that. She wanted to be a _someone_   to El.

"And?" He pried, his voice urging her on.

"And she sat with Jennifer Hayes."

"What?!" Will's frown deepened even more.

It was odd how she felt slightly mad at El. The girl didn't care and wouldn't notice and that was more frustrating. She didn't even get to be mad because her being mad didn't matter to the other girl.

And so what if Jane had sat with Jennifer, she could sit with anyone and anywhere she wanted to.

Why did she care so much? She knew why, but when would she stop caring?

"How was History with Wheeler?" She asked instead, changing the topic and ignoring the baffled look he was still wearing.

His face immediately reddened upon her question and she raised her eyebrows curiously when he looked away, directing his attention to his food instead.

There was something there.

"Well, at least one of us is getting somewhere." She muttered teasingly, hiding her amused smile.

"Max.." The boy started with cautiousness in his voice.

"Did you two kiss or what?" She continued as she glanced at the tip of his ears.

Undeniably pink.

"Max, he's two feet away from us!" He whispered urgently, a plea in his eyes.

  
"And you're not ogling him. That's surprising." She retorted through a chuckle, turning to look where the taller boy was.

Her gaze flitted past the lunch tables behind her, falling upon an unmistakable tuft of curly brown hair. Jane was standing in the lunch till with Mike right behind her. She frowned wondering why her eyes always found El without her even trying to. She could spot the girl amongst a hundred people and that was creepy enough.  
Slight commotion made her redirect her attention and she noticed Dustin and Lucas standing a little towards the left. With the way the curly haired boy was talking furiously, she could tell he was arguing, most likely about the chocolate pudding. She shook her head exasperatedly at that.

Some things would never change. 

A clearing of throat made her turn back in her seat and she noticed Will looking at her, glancing where she'd been staring only a moment ago.

"So, what happened?" She asked, her eyebrows lifting upwards nonchalantly.

He cleared his throat in the midst of chewing as his cheeks turned pink again, making her raise her eyebrows further upwards.

"I tripped on air and he uh.. he caught me." He didn't hide his bashful grin then, despite how red his cheeks were.

It was heartwarming and she tried not to let the emotion show on her face, but this boy deserved all of the goodness in the world. Even if that goodness was Wheeler.

She smirked at him instead and waited in silence, faking a look of innocence as she looked at him expectantly, but he said nothing more.

"And then you two kissed or..?" She gestured with her arms, trying not to smile as she teased him.

His mouth opened up, most likely to protest when the sound of Lucas' voice interrupted the two of them as said boy flopped into the seat across from her and put his tray on the table with a slam making Will jump slightly. "Who kissed who?"

She paused, trying to gather up an excuse when something hit her leg. She chanced a glance beside her at Will, trying not to burst into a laugh at the sight. Will's normally soft eyes weren't as soft and the look of sheer 'now what' was too much for her.

She held in her chuckle despite being greatly amused as she poked the boy back with the toe of her shoe and then looked at Lucas.

"Uh, just this stupid opera airing last night." She lied before her face scrunched up in displeasure.

Soap operas were the worst.

Lucas looked at her as though she had grown another head before shaking his head and busying himself with his food.

She saw the opportunity and leaned towards Will discreetly. "Even Jane can glare better than you." She whispered, amusement dripping from her voice.

He gave her the same look as before and she couldn't hold in her chuckle this time. 

"Not even close." She murmured as she shook her head and bit into her sandwich.

..

Her Science book thudded lightly against the desk as she tossed it inside her bag and zipped it up quickly, looking up just in time to catch Mike's eyes. The boy in turn, tapped at his wrist watch before nodding towards El a little hesitantly and mouthing 'gym'.

She frowned at his actions. He knew they didn't get along. He knew better than to leave the two of them alone. Her eyes met Will's the next second whose lips broke into a smile almost instantly as he gave her a thumbs up before dragging Mike and the others away. She stood staring at their departing figures a little surprisingly before putting two and two together.

He was such an ass.

A huff escaped her as she shook her head and walked towards where El stood, still in the midst of putting her book and notes away and she saw a glimpse of the inside of the girl's bag before El zipped it up. The books were in all in a neat pile atop one another and she glanced at her own bag a little shamefully, thinking of the mess it had inside it from paper balls to stationary she hadn't bothered to put away.

Eleven didn't notice her presence, as per usual, and started to walk away. Her hand rose up out of instinct to stop her before she paused. She didn't know if that would be a good idea. Apprehension crept over her as she remembered the times Eleven had ignored her existence and she shuffled uncomfortably, not knowing how to get the other girl's attention as she remembered the events of yesterday, but El was almost halfway past the door and she shrugged her discomfort away as she called out the girl's name before she could stop to think anything more.

"El!"

The brunette paused, before turning around towards her, a heavy from etched to her forehead.

At least she wasn't glaring.

She walked closer to the girl as she adjusted the strap of her book sack.  
"We have gym together." She offered before almost face palming. 

Eleven stared back at her, unmoving and the lack of response made her scratch her neck uneasily. She saw the brunette's eyes follow her movement and paused, dropping her arm to her side.

Will really was such an ass.

"I mean, do you uh remember where the gym is?" She rephrased, hoping the girl would respond in some way before the situation became more awkward.

The brunette crinkled her nose at that, her eyes scanning her face.

_Cute._

_No._

She tried to ignore the girl's eyes on her. She was so used to being ignored and the feeling of El's eyes on her was unusual, unfamiliar, but most of all, overwhelming. She couldn't find it in herself to match her gaze and look the girl in the eye and so she glanced down at her shoes instead, ignoring the urge to shuffle or fiddle. That wasn't her. She had never before felt doubtful of her actions or afraid of doing the wrong thing.

The silence became unbearable and she chanced a glance upwards to see Eleven's gaze still on her. It felt as though a spot light was being shined on her, she was so out of her element and she just didn't know what to do.

"It's Jane." The brunette muttered. She frowned, catching the girl's glare before she turned back away and exited the classroom.

She heard the unsaid 'for you' and groaned miserably, ignoring the odd side look of a passerby as she drawled past the door. There wasn't much else she could do besides following. Their coach was a strict woman who _loathed_ tardiness and if El got lost on the way, Max knew she wouldn't get to spend her first day of gym, her only day of relief on the bench.

A part of her almost wanted to stop so El would get lost and and regret denying her help. _Almost,_ but she couldn't do that. She didn't know how to hate El the way she hated her. She didn't know how to unlove and the thought ignited a fire in her belly that she couldn't put out.

She kept a foot's distance between herself and Jane as she silently followed the girl like shadow in the halfway empty hallway. So far, El hadn't turned the wrong way, not even once. It was quite impressive how she had managed to remember where all her classes were in such little time. She turned the corner, but groaned audibly once more when she saw someone who was as much of an asshole as Billy.

"I feel like I've seen you somewhere." The shabby haired boy came to stand in El's way, the curiousness on his face easier to spot than the sun in the day.

She frowned wondering what he meant and chanced a glance towards El, seeing the change in her demeanor almost immediately. The girl was standing a little too stiffly than Max had ever seen before with something akin to steel in her eyes. Her back had straightened up like a rod and it wasn't out of fear or animosity as per usual that the girl always directed towards her, but something else.. a different kind of discomfort.

"But then, I don't think I would forget a face like that." Troy continued, stepping a tad bit closer in El's personal space.

What he said wasn't wrong. El had the kind of face one would notice in a room full of people, but his words still made her jaw clench as she fisted her hands and ignored the urge to bash his dumb head in a wall.

She saw El's hands fist at her side darted between the two before things could get worse. It wouldn't end if El ended up using her powers or her bare hands in her first week of school.  
No, Hopper would lose his shit.

"Go eat shit, Troy." She seethed, putting a hand over his chest and pushing him out of her and El's personal space as she ignored how warm her back felt. This was the closest she'd ever been to the other girl and the feeling was a tad bit overwhelming.

"No, man. You're hanging out with fire crotch out of all people?" He leaned a little bit to the left, staring at El incredulously as he ignored her.

She felt her face warm up the way anger always made it as her nostrils flared and she grounded her teeth harshly. "I'm not going to be as nice the next time I ask, you moron."

"Back. Off." She pushed him backwards once more for effect.

His face lost all signs of playfulness at that and she knew the look that crossed his eyes then. It was the same one Billy always had in his. She stared back challengingly daring him to try something with her glare matching his when the sound of a door opening interrupted them and out came Miss Trunchbull, whistling loud enough to make her ear's bleed.

"Make some haste!" The woman shouted and Troy glanced behind, stepping back a little at the sight of a teacher. "You watch your back Mayfield." His voice was laced with bitterness that had stopped bothering her a long time ago and she scoffed as she flipped him off before stepping back and motioning for El to get moving. The girl paused staring at her with a frown and she looked back, not particularly in the her eyes. She didn't know if she had the strength to look in the girl's eyes and then tear her gaze away because those eyes seemed like an ocean she would love to drown in..  

For a moment, El's soft pink lips parted, the ones she was pointedly ignoring looking at, and it almost seemed like the girl was going to say something, but another loud whistle sounded off and just like that, the moment was broken.

A heavy frown lined her forehead and she cursed the universe out mentally.  
Eleven glanced at the doors, a strong emotion crossing her face that she couldn't put a name on before the girl gave her another familiar glare and left her behind once more.

She didn't know what she had done this time and sighed dejectedly before following, her vans scraping the floor.  
She could care less.

She spent gym doing tracks as El got to sit back and take it all in before she started next week.

And she tried so hard to not let her eyes drift towards the other girl every other minute, but spent almost the whole unit, trying and failing to do that. It bothered her to no end how she was always painfully aware of the girl's presence while being ignored like a speck of dust.

She hadn't ever even wanted to feel the way she did towards El. Yes, the girl was cool and they had the potential to be great friends, but El didn't want that and she wanted something more.

And she had tried to hate the girl back with just as much intensity,  Eleven with her stupidly cool clothes, stupid dashing entrance and inhuman, yet stupidly amazing superpowers. At first, she had thought it was some sort of weird hero worship that would go away, but hero worship didn't include wanting to hold one girl's hand in particular and show her all this softness that she never knew she could muster– no, that was something else. And she should've worried about it the first time her stomach had fluttered at the sight of El and felt like lead weighing her down when she was ignored, she should've worried then because the butterflies in her stomach and the jittering in her veins had only escalated into something worse and now she couldn't stop every time her heart skipped a beat at the girl's smile or her day became better by her mere presence. She couldn't ignore this want inside her to make El laugh and hold hands with her and just.. love her.

She should've done something then because now even if they ever became friends, she knew she would always be wanting more. And how was she supposed to go on carrying all this love inside her that she wasn't ever going to get back in return?

It was just so damned unfair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it! Let me know your thoughts on this because I really love reviews so much. Also, did one name in particular ring a bell?
> 
> p.s: THANK YOU to everyone who's left comments and kudos so far. You all make me days better!


	4. iv. no good to her bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What the fuck, Max?" Mike bellowed at her as he recovered, shuffling to put some more distance between him and Jane, but she had already seen all that there was to see and she knew nothing was going to make her forget what she had just witnessed.
> 
> Oh god.
> 
> *Angst alert*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self hate and mild abuse. 
> 
> Please do not read if that can end up being, in any way, disturbing for you. 
> 
> Hello everyone!! I am so so sorry!! that this took me a whole month. There were three different ways this could've gone and I had trouble deciding, but I hope you guys like the output of a whole month of pondering!!! In the meantime, I edited the previous chapters and fixed some errors as in posting the draft of the first chapter? 
> 
> Also, thank you all for being so lovely!! And as always, I would love your thoughts on this!!! 
> 
> (Proofread to the best of my ability at this hour because I almost mistakenly deleted this fic).

Her self decency had died and left her, entirely.

That was one fact she came to actualise as she picked up another book on _cognitive dissonance_ and added it to the growing pile of books that her right arm was starting to struggle balancing.

It sure did bruise her pride, the fact that she was in a library bright and early on a Sunday morning, rifling through bookshelves for her problems like some nerdy loser, but she blamed it off on Dustin.

It had to be him and his way of turning to a book for any and every problem which must have rubbed off on her at some point because if there was one thing she was not, it was desperate.

And yet, one more book going on top of the already six in her arms contradicted that statement quite a lot.

She huffed with annoyance when her hand rose up to reach one more book –the last one– she promised herself, spelling off 'The Benjamin Franklin Effect' and just as she slid it out of the shelf, her eyes met dark orbs that suddenly (or had been there all along) appeared from behind the space the book no longer occupied, dark orbs that she knew all too familiarly and had seen flashing behind her eyelids almost every night when she lay in bed with her eyes closed in a futile attempt to sleep.

She reckoned it was the momentary shock that made her arms go slack or maybe she had just been holding the dammed books up for too long because it definitely wasn't her looking in Jane's eyes and the girl looking back in hers.

She lost that train of thought with a dry throat.

The girl's curls were slightly ruffled, hanging low and shining just a tab bit in the glint of the sun showing through from the window behind the brunette's back. She noticed how the sun gave Jane's hair an almost auburn tint and out of nowhere, she got this sudden urge to see what the other girl would look like under the sun with the rays glinting off in her eyes, maybe she would find out what colour they exactly were then.

Jane would look beautiful, undoubtedly, because that was what Jane was, but she wondered which kind, the _slicked-back-hair-and-kohl-laden-stormy-eyes_ beautiful or the _rose-gold-frock-and-one-hand-laced-over-the-other-gracefully_ beautiful or the _dark-powerful-eyes-glaring-daggers-at-her-and-holding-her-rooted-in-her-spot_ beautiful.

That list could've gone on for a long while– because gazing at Jane when no one was looking was her favourite past time– had the particularly heavy book she had just dropped not fallen right on her little toe and felt like a knife going through.

She winced, immediately tearing her eyes away from the brunette and glancing down at the floor, seeing books stacked messily upon one another which only made blood rush to her face.

So many frigging books.

What was she going to do with so many books?

 _Read_ would have been a plausible answer had she been thinking straight, but oh, she had stopped doing that ever since laying her eyes on brown hair with equally dark eyes and the exact colour still a mystery.

The sound of shoes scraping against floor pulled her out of her thoughts as she blinked hard, clearing her head. Her face grew warmer when she glanced up at Jane to see the brunette frowning at her through the space and realising she had pretty much been gawking at the other girl.

She was an absolute imbecilic fool and had her mind not just been a victim to Jane's overwhelming presence, she would have noticed how both of those things meant the exact same.

With her face matching the colour of her hair, she hastily leaned down and picked one book after another, aware of how everything felt a little too warm than it had a moment ago and that her veins were thrumming with something other than the blood pumping through them.

It was scary how Jane could render her useless with a simple glance and without even using her powerful mind and with that thought running through her head, she stood up a moment later, balancing a rather heavy pile of books in her hands that seemed useless then as she walked through the aisle, ignoring Jane's burning presence and the urge to glance at the girl through the shelf once more.

She realised another thing a few minutes later when she was sat on one of the round tables in the library with her head in her hands as she failed, yet another time, to understand what the gibberish in the book that lay open in front of her meant. 

Jane Hopper was the most biggest frigging distraction.

Or maybe, it was just that she was a fool, young and in love with raging teenage hormones and painfully aware of one girl's presence in particular.

It was like something in her couldn't sit still when 'it' knew that Jane was just around the corner, behind one of the shelves and maybe if she leaned back just a little, she would get a glimpse of her.

She jumped to make herself look like she hadn't just been having a meltdown with embarrassment still overcrowding most of her mind when Jane suddenly emerged from behind one of aisles and passed her by with a book in her hand. Her eyes lingered over the girl's figure, watching her walk to the librarians desk and a moment later, through the library's doors.

With a frustrated groan, she thumped her head into the table, getting an immediate shush from the librarian as she proceeded to roll her eyes.

She was screwed, but that, that was not a realisation, no –that, she already knew.

•

"Hopper's being unreasonably protective," Mike groaned as he backed away from the table, letting go of the speaker he had just been inspecting.

She rolled her eyes at his antics.

They were supposed to put together a presentation for the seniors that only had six more months of school left and yet, there he was thinking of stupid campaign nights.

Ignoring the sour look on his face, she glanced down at her notebook to read over her notes.

She was absolutely ecstatic about that aspect because Neil was definitely going to force Billy into college and her life would become more peaceful, even though that also meant Steve going away too.

She didn't know him that well, aside from the time they had spent at the junkyard and their nights at the ice cream parlour near Steve's neighborhood, definitely not as well as Dustin, who hung out with the boy at least once a week, but it would be odd because she was just so used to hearing Dustin blabber about another _cool_ thing he had done with Steve over the weekend.

She shook her head at that thought, one guy that she deemed was not so bad and the other that she couldn't wait to get rid of.

"What happened?" An involuntary smile slipped past her when Will voiced that question (because he was Will).

"He says we can't hang out with El at the cab–" Mike glanced at her in the midst of his sentence before twisting his mouth around the word– ".. _at hers_ because someone might notice."

She frowned at his odd behaviour, before shaking her head and resuming jotting down a small paragraph from the book in front of her when Will's voice broke her focus away from the task once again.

"Oh, well, we could always hang out at mine? I mean a-all of us," The shorter boy mumbled, shuffling as he stuttered out the words.

She saw how Mike practically brightened at what Will had just said as he turned to the shorter boy and gushed, "If you ask your mom to convince Hopper... then, we could do a campaign night at yours!"

The taller was practically grinning from ear to ear by the end of his sentence as Will smiled back just as wide at Mike with an eager nod.

She couldn't help, but mull over how daunting his enthusiasm was; all for a game that she couldn't understand why the boys even liked when video games _existed_.

The sound of the door opening made her glance up, towards the front, to see Dustin and Jane coming through.

The boy had a sour look on his face while Jane, she noticed, looked greatly amused with the ghost of a smile on her face.

She rolled her eyes when Mike immediately trotted over towards the girl, smiling at her before murmuring how he had devised a plan for them to hang out.

She thought his crinkled eyes were gag worthy, even though Will looked so lost in them and so, she just sighed and turned back to the task at hand, at last mapping out a rough draft of how they could put together the presentation.

It seemed quite pointless to her and yet, she couldn't complain because three hours of AV club a week was a thousand times better than being babysat by Billy, who only managed to give her headaches with his terrible taste in music and the amount of cigarettes that he smoked in that time.

She jumped when Dustin flopped beside her, making her smudge the 'e' she had been drawing out andbshe huffed as she shot him a glare.

He looked down at the paper before grimacing and pinching both of his ear lobes in apology. And with another shake of head, she looked back down at the paper and scratched the word off.

"I talked to Mr. Clarke and he said if we need more stuff around, we'll need to do the fundraising ourselves."

She paused and she glanced up at the curly haired boy, "Does he expect us to do a yard sale or something?"

He only shrugged in response before the bell rang, making her sigh as she closed the book that lay in her lap and slid out of her chair, stuffing her stationary in her bag before slinging a strap over her shoulder and following Lucas through the door of the AV room.

She slid her arm around his shoulder as soon as she caught up with the boy, bumping into him playfully just to see him roll his eyes at her in the good natured way that he always did, but he frowned, instead.

She turned to him with a raised brow and asked, "What?"

He raised one back at her, before nudging his head down towards her empty hand, "Where's your skateboard?"

That made her pause and then stop walking all together as she suddenly felt self conscious and out of place with the familiar weight of her board missing from underneath her arm before she rolled her eyes and groaned, "I can't believe I forgot it!"

"Maxine Mayfield forgetting her board!? Is judgement day near or something?" His eyebrows had shot into his hairline with an exaggerated, incredulous lilt in his voice. 

She held in her smile, flipping him off as he grinned at her before trudging back towards the AV room and bursting through the door.

And maybe she should have knocked, even though it was the AV room; the place for nerds where nothing inappropriate ever happened except what had just been going on.

"Shit!"

She didn't know whether that had come from her or Mike as she staggered to a stop before the door, gasping and awkwardly watching as Mike sprang off of Jane with a bewildered look on his face.

For just the smallest of moment, she couldn't help, but stand there, dazzled and not being being able to look away when Jane stepped back and pulled her arms away from around Mike's neck.

"What the fuck, Max?" Mike bellowed at her as he recovered, shuffling to put some more distance between him and Jane, but she had already seen all that there was to see and she knew nothing was going to make her forget what she had just witnessed.

Oh god.

His shout roused her from the sudden numbness that had taken over her limbs and she wanted to ask him the same question because that was Jane he had just been kissing. Jane Hopper.

 _The_ Jane Hopper that she was in love with. 

That thought made her blood feel like it was on fire as she balanced her weight on one leg, then the other before shutting her eyes close and trying to stop thinking entirely and erase that horrible picture from her mind all the while ignoring the way her heart was painfully thrumming through her rib cage, but none of that worked and her chest continued to burn.

She licked her chapped lips before blinking her eyes open, "I– uh, my board."

It came out as more of an incoherent mutter that she didn't bother repeating because her brain was past making sense, and understandably so.

How was anything supposed to make sense when the girl she really _really_ f*cking adored stood just a few feet away from her, with her arm now slung around Mike's shoulder and cheeks tinted pink, looking annoyed with her lips pulled into a thin line, most likely because she had just walked in and interrupted the brunette's make out session with the boy of her dreams.

The feeling was mutual because she didn't want herself there either.

It never occurred to her that she had walked towards the chairs and picked up her board as quickly as she could, but rushing through the hallways and then out of the school did make breathing easier, even though something in her was on fire.

In her belly, in her chest or maybe just every where.

And there was that familiar feeling in her heart; toxic and so much of it.

She stopped short beside the school steps, just for a moment as she took in a sharp breath and rubbed the prickling in her eyes away. It couldn't have taken more than a minute before she grounded her jaw and with a deep resolute breath, she hopped onto her skateboard and skated across the parking lot.

Her face stayed stoic, despite the way her shoulders suddenly seemed heavier to hold up, despite how it felt like something in her had _died_ , the same something that always made her stomach jostle and her palms clammy when she was near Jane.

And she didn't realise it then, that that was just the first time Jane broke her heart without either of them knowing, most likely because it was in the wrong place and invested in the wrong person.

_On her sleeve and in Jane._

Yet, she reckoned, if she couldn't unlove then maybe, she could dwell in the hate swimming in her stomach because that was better. She felt less like a pathetic lovesick dyke and more like the kind of brave and strong Billy was.

Maybe hate wasn't so bad after all and she had plenty to feel.

There was hate for Jane because the girl didn't–wouldn't– _couldn't_ love her back and hate for Mike because he could hold hands with Jane and take her out for food and gift her candies and it would be _normal_ and the ample amount for herself because.. because there were so many f*cking reasons.

But maybe, maybe someday she would also stop loving Jane; when her heart grew exhausted of harbouring so much love and so many heartbreaks, when there wouldn't be anything left to shatter... Oh, the joys of unrequited love.

She knew the next moment that her day would only go worse from there because the next face she saw was Billy's, looking like the asshole that he was with an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth and his hockey hair ruffling with the air.

She couldn't help, but think how air ruffling through hair only looked breathtaking when they were Jane's because Billy only managed to look more like a lazy loser who couldn't get a better haircut.

She stopped that thought short when her face flushed with anger once again and the image of Mike and Jane flashed through her mind, giving her a painful reminder of her reality that she desperately wished to escape.

"Look who's in a hurry, today." There was no playfulness in Billy's voice despite the nature of his words.

There was never playfulness in his voice, not when it was directed at her.

She ignored his words as she sidestepped him and climbed into the car, grinding her jaw when he took his sweet time before rounding up to the driver's side.

He stalled as he settled in the driver's seat before fishing out a lighter from his pocket. "Something bothering you?"

She huffed at his pathetic attempt of being a big brother, hoping that would be the end of it. "No."

His jaw visibly clenched at her curt reply before he lit the end of his cigarette and took a puff. "Then why do you look like that?"

It was shocking, to say the least; the way he could tell how she was exactly feeling.

She unconsciously folded her arms, hating feeling so exposed, in front of him, of all people. "Look like what?"

He gave her a long gauging stare before smirking, "Like something is bothering you."

"Why do you care?"

His smirk faded as he turned to her with an unreadable expression. "Because, Max–"  he took a puff from his cigarette, blowing it into her face afterwards– "your mother married my father and as much as I hate the fact that you are my sister, you are family now and I gotta look out for you." 

She didn't know what he exactly meant by the word _family_.          Nothing about him was brotherly, nothing about her family ever felt like one.

And his _looking out_ be dammed, it was the last thing she needed.

With an exhausted roll of eyes, she threw her hands up before muttering, "Oh, what would I ever do witho–" but never got around to finishing her sentence.

"Hey!" His shout caught her off guard and she jumped in her seat with the suddenness of it all as his fingers firmly wounded around her raised wrist. 

"You are really starting to test my patience Max and something you learn is to do what you're told before I snap."

She looked into his eyes with mild panic, frozen in her place because no matter how much they fought and all that bullock, he had never before laid a single hand on her.

"You got it?" There was so much of _Neil_ _dripping_ from his voice that it made her frown as she tried to break her hand free, but his fingers only tightened the more she struggled and he gave her wrist one more painful squeeze before jerking his arm away and turning in the ignition.

She looked away, out of the window as he pulled out of the parking lot, trying to still her wobbling lips all the while rubbing at her sore wrist before squeezing her eyes shut to stop the dammed tears, the hurt brimming in her chest and the profuse amount of hate in her heart for anything and everything in the world.

She just wanted **_out_. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit:) Since this is set in the year that we won't be seeing in ST3, I've altered the last scene. 
> 
> Also, I felt like Max is a bit biased in this chapter, so let me know if that's not just me..
> 
> I've got exactly a month before my finals and lately, all I can think about is orbitals. I SWEAR THE NEXT PROTAGONIST IN ONE OF MY FICS IS GOING TO BE CALLED CHADWICK OR DALTON OR SOMETHING. But then, we already have Neil(s) Bohr. 
> 
> Oh wait, no. It's Hargrove. Cheap Humour™
> 
> AND I PROMISE BETTER DAYS ARE IN STORE FOR MAX!!! AND JANE!! I mean El, heh. (And I hope me.)
> 
> Good day! Or night!!


	5. v. life's a drag down a hill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Insert a long apologetic paragraph for not updating). And yet, you guys deserve a very sincere apology. 
> 
> I am so very sorry for not updating in so long, I hit a very arduous writer's block right after my exams and the past few months I've been dealing with some familial issues, but here is the next chapter with a change of POV! 
> 
> Yes, you read that right.

 

 

 

> **Jane's POV:**

It was frustrating and exhilarating _and_ exhausting.

'It' being the _ob_ _-seen_ , if she dared say, amount of things she learnt everyday -from words to looks to things she couldn't even begin to name.

Or maybe, she just observed a lot and paid a bit too much attention to little things, like how no one wore Pajamas to school or how girls went to the restroom a lot more than boys, or the way some girls tied their hair, always with matching hair ties.

It was easy to discern that girls cared about how they looked a lot more than boys, well most girls did.

This vast expanse of knowledge was amazing, even when it felt pointless, it really was and when it came down to it, she reckoned it was better knowing something than not knowing at all.

Which was why she couldn't really complain because she was living a life she couldn't have begun to fathom thinking of, even though sometimes it felt as though there was too much being thrown her way, too much and not enough time and enough of a mind to take it all in.  _Those_ days were a little harder than the others and of course, most of the trouble came with school.

Some days she missed being bored and having nothing to do except watching Soap Operas that she didn't know the names of or sitting by the window, observing trees or squirrels and taking walks in the Void out of boredom.   
She couldn't have all that now, not with Hopper leaving her a ton of homework and school only making it worse. 

Her life in the cabin had been dull before that, but most of all, uneventful; before there had not been much in her life to live and now, suddenly there were so many things she could, do, _be_ , so many options to choose from that she couldn't decide properly.  

At first, she had been ecstatic at the idea of joining and finally having some freedom of seeing her friends and more of... the world in general, even when Hopper had warned her about how.. _gru_ _-_ _ling_ it was going to be, but she had been too happy then to consider all that was in store for her; most significantly, the ridiculous amount of time that she now had to put in studying at school and out of it, even though it was a lot of fun on the days they had AV club hours.

That probably was what she looked forward to the most. It was nice to spend time with the boys without feeling the need to hide and they could do whatever they wanted, or well, she could. 

And yet, to put it simply, it was frustrating and exhilarating and exhausting, _like today.._

She couldn't exactly understand why putting a ball in a net was such a.. _jovial_ thing for some people... people like the golden haired boy who stood towards her far left and had the most widest smile on his face and a glint of something else to it that she couldn't put her finger on.  
Like a little too much reassurance or maybe the right word was confidence.

What had Hopper called that? Of course, she didn't remember. 

No matter how much she tried, there was always something she was forgetting or couldn't remember right. Or just didn't know.

She felt a familiar annoyance start to brew within her when the man in the black striped shirt blew his whistle and the the gym erupted into another pointless chaos again or what Dustin had been calling 'basket ball' since the last half an hour.

"Why didn't we get something Science related?" Dustin mumbled as the same blonde boy from before threw the ball through the net once more and most of the pupil in the court cheered.

She wished they had gotten something Science related. Mr. Clark had started them on a new topic that she really liked. It involved the stars and the galaxy.. the system of Solar. 

She didn't like it when he delved into things that she couldn't understand yet, things like _atmosphe_ _-rec_ pressure and heavy gases and all that _arithe_ _-_ _matic_ jargon that came along with it, but it all seemed so beautiful, from what little she had seen of it in her book, all the beautiful pictures.

That was definitely her favourite part.

"Because it's an observation exercise, Dustin," Mike retorted from where he was sat beside her.

She looked at him then back at Dustin, wondering if they were going to get into another argument. Again.

Dustin, though, oddly enough stayed quiet, looking off towards the game once more with something akin to interest for the first time.

She followed his gaze to see it fixated upon the boy who now had the ball. 

The same boy who had a lot of hair, definitely more than her and once again, she couldn't help, but wonder how his managed to stay in one place throughout all the running and dodging that he was currently doing, but she couldn't linger on that thought any longer when she felt Dustin straighten up beside her and start muttering something incoherent underneath his breath, making her focus shift.

She leaned a bit over to try to understand what he was saying and as the whole _atmos-phere_ seemed to delve into a tense, curious silence, his words became a lot more audible.

"Come on... come on."

It happened in the blink of an eye, though. 

One moment, Dustin was sitting beside her with a grave, calm facade aside from muttering to himself and the next, he was up and screaming furiously at a group of boys huddled over someone in the court.

It was loud and sudden enough to make her jump and she realised only a moment later that it was _Steve_ who lay flat on his back on the floor.

Steve, the boy with hair longer than her.

"Your brother is an asshole, Max!" Dustin bellowed out, with puffed cheeks and a heaving chest.

She frowned at him, almost asking him if he was okay, but before she could do that, a voice interrupted. "Yeah well, tell me something new."

And who else could it have been other than the redhead?

She heard Lucas chuckle from where he was sat beside Mike and the annoyance, that only moments ago had started to dwell down, crept back into her involuntarily.

°°°

"So, how was school?" Hopper asked, giving her a brief side glance as she shrugged her school bag off, setting it down beside her leg.

Her thoughts went back to a few hours back, bringing an involuntary smile to her face as she remembered Dustin's sulking face at being denied getting a better projector and Mike's beaming grin when he talked about their upcoming campaign night and that.. that kiss.

"Good."

She let a smile slip free, getting a raised eyebrow from Hopper at the enthusiastic lilt in it before the man shook his head, even though his eyes were soft with a small smile that she knew he was holding back as he turned in the ignition.

As Hopper turned the car around, her eyes fell upon a familiar figure and zeroed in on Max, who looked as red as the jacket she wore as she said something fervently to a blond boy who was standing by the driving seat of a weird, different car, the same boy who had pushed Steve, she realised and almost gasped.

Was that Max's brother?

Her gaze remained on the siblings until Hopper pulled out of the parking lot and she couldn't see the duo anymore.

She leaned her head onto the window and wondered whether Max's brother was just like the girl or whether the girl was like her brother. Was there supposed to be a difference?  
And as she tried to make sense of her thoughts, the green fields on the way home looked a lot more interesting, with the way they were almost twinkling under the sunshine and just like that, her mind zoned out.

°°°

Hopper called her a 'fast learner' throughout almost every study session that she had with him and she liked to think that it was a good thing.

She didn't know what he exactly meant when he said so, but he always said it with his lips stretched into a smile and a glint in his eyes that usually wasn't there.   
He always said it as though it was a... com-plee-ment, and so, she assumed it was. 

"You ready to kill a few brain cells, kid?" He greeted, standing in her door way. 

She smiled at the familiar play on words that she hadn't really understood the first time he had said it, but knew what it meant now that he had explained, and so, with giving him a nod from where she was sat on her bed, she made her way to the dresser to get her books. 

They studied in the living room, on the dining table.   
Sometimes there wasn't enough space for her to spread all her books out and she knew Hopper's legs didn't fit in all that.. _comfort-_ _abley_ in the cramped space under the table, but they had learnt to work with it, none-the-less.

It was better than slouching over her books on the bed, anyway. 

She heard him sigh as he settled in the chair beside her, squirming a little before finally settling and sighing once more. "All right, so I asked the Byers kid about some of these problems and I think we'll get it." 

"Will?" She inquired, squinting at him. 

"Uh, the older one," he mumbled distractedly, taking ahold of her Mathematics book with little to none.. _enthu-se-asem_. 

She hovered over his shoulder, doing her best to not block the light as she saw him narrow his eyes over something written in the book, most likely an arithe-matic problem, most likely the ones that they couldn't and hadn't gotten done the previous night. 

"All right. Let's see this one, okay?" He seemed to talk more to himself than her, so she gave him a wordless affirmation before passing the stationary to him. 

It had been an odd sight when Hopper had first leaned over her books, doing his best to make her understand. It was a routine now.

The sight of him holding a pencil and working over her homework almost felt as natural as taking the pencil from him, listening to him explain and then doing it herself. 

She looked at him expectantly from where she stood beside him as she did just that, giving him a soft smile as she slid the notebook towards him. 

And there it was again, an awed approval in his eyes, apparent enough to tell her that she had gotten the answer right. 

He said nothing more as he pointed to another question with his index finger, ruffling her hair in the way that he always did before he slid out of the chair and she took his place instead, liking how the chair was warm as she worked over her homework and Hopper went on to tinker away in the kitchen, most likely to fixthe both of them something to eat.

She liked Maths on days like _these_. 

°°°

"Hi." The smile on his face was stretching so wide that it looked a little ridiculous and yet, she couldn't help, but do the same as she replied, "Hi." 

She didn't get the chance to say anything else, though and neither did he when Dustin casually jumped in cluelessly, "Hey, El."

She smiled at Mike one last time before greeting the other boys, (as always) not meeting Max's eyes who (also as always) kept her distance and stood on the sideways. 

"There are still a few minutes to go before the hell bell rings," Lucas announced when all of them unknowingly started walking towards the entrance doors. 

"Not going in there any earlier than I have to," Dustin quipped with a smile and they all silently agreed and halted.

She stopped beside Mike, meeting his eyes with the hint of a smile and he gave one back in return before clearing his throat, "So, there's something we have to tell you guys."

"Something that _we_ don't know, you mean?" Lucas murmured with a smirk, looking at Mike with raised eyebrows. 

She couldn't exactly understand why, but something about the way he said it made her think that he already knew what Mike was going to say, but how was that...

_Oh_. 

Max must have told the others. 

She clenched her jaw at being reminded of what had transpired yesterday, one minute all she could breathe in was the mint from Mike's chewing gum and just when their lips had met, the door had been jerked open and never had she ever known that Mike had such quick.. _reflexes_. 

She still remembered the wide panic stricken look on the other girl's face. It wasn't an expression she had seen before, especially not on Max's face, but yesterday she could tell exactly when the girl realised what she had walked in on and exactly when the alarms went off in her head. 

And since the redhead hadn't even bothered to shut the door when she hurriedly tucked her skateboard under her arm and left, Mike had only took her hand with an awkward smile and wordlessly gestured towards the door. 

The only other time she had gotten a chance to talk to him was over the radio then, and even that had been for a couple of minutes because he was working on the campaign and wanted it to turn out great, 'the best one so far', as he had said. 

So, she hoped today they could talk and maybe her chance was now. Maybe once everyone knew, they could...

"Actually, Will and I have to run and get an extension on our uh, English assignment, so," Max interrupted before she turned to Will and nudged him towards the door, but the boy didn't budge until Max murmured something that only he could hear. 

"..wait, since when do you have English with Will?" Dustin jumped in, with almost a protest lacing his words. 

The other girl paused at that, mutely blinking at the boy before pursing her lips, "Oh, right. I meant an extension on _my_ English assignment that Will's been helping me with." 

And just like that, with a barely audible 'let's go' from the redhead, the duo disappeared behind the school's doors; Max, with a fervour in her steps and Will, who looked really confused, but dragged on, leaving an awkward silence in his wake. 

"Never mind, I'll just tell you guys at lunch," Mike mumbled with a sigh a few seconds later. 

She looked at his dejected face and couldn't help, but feel irritation at the redhead for ruining his, _their_ moment and just before she could delve into any more hateful thoughts, the shrill noise of bell interrupted the silence and they all  _begrude_ _-_ _ging_ _-_ _ley_ moved towards the doors. 

And it wasn't until she reached her homeroom and fished out a paper that she had written the previous night from her binder that she realised they had never been assigned with an English assignment that week.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THERE! First El POV, please let me know how I did!!   
> I hope it wasn't a complete let down (fingers crossed), but the next few chapters will be bringing drama ( so yay! or nay..?) anyhow, prep up! I just wanted to give you guys an 'in' on El's thought and her perspective before that happens.
> 
> On another note, I want to immensely thank everyone who has showed me love even after I stopped updating. So, thank you so so much for all the amazing feedback and reviews, they really gave me the motivation I needed. 
> 
> You guys are the honestly best! Cheers!

**Author's Note:**

> **I will try my best to update this book every other week. They're going to be a bit slow and very unscheduled because I am no where near to finishing this story so, please! please bear with me because I'm so excited to be finally posting this.**
> 
>  
> 
> **_Previously 'say goodbye to safe.'_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **Kudos and reviews would make my day!**


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